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Tuesday 31 December 2013

Inspiration


So Christmas is done and we’re counting down to 2014. I personally feel as if getting here has been a giant effort and these few days off until I return to work on 2nd January are for me a well-earned break. Don’t get me wrong, 2013 was an amazing year: I did get married* after all. Still, this is the right time for some personal reflection and thinking about the direction I want to go in in 2014. There’s certainly a lot for us to do. We are saving up for a deposit to buy a house early in 2015 (yes we’re good at planning at least!) and both of us want to make our next career move very soon. But that’s not what I mean.

I need some inspiration – something to motivate me to be the best I can. And because of that I have decided for the first time in a few years to do some New Year’s resolutions.

First things first – I’m going to sign up to Dry January. I do and have always drunk too much and while I have no regrets I feel fast approaching middle age and a thickening waist-line are strong hints that the Universe is cancelling the overdraft on my misspent youth. I hope I’ll develop some good habits. I have found as time moves on that alcohol stops being the lubricant of a vibrant social scene and rather becomes the solvent dissolving good moods, a good night’s sleep, and willpower. Time to kick that into touch!


That brings us on to number two. Much as I reject the superficial youth-and-beauty obsession that pervades a lot of gay culture in particular it is easier, I admit, to reject it whilst thin and toned. Hence the diet plan. To get down to my ideal BMI it appears I would need to lose 50lbs (22kgs). Now, to be fair I have an athletic frame, broad shoulders etc and have found it relatively easy to pack on a bit of muscle – which makes a BMI something to be treated with caution. However, weight needs to be lost in no small measure so it’s a strict regime of diet and exercise for yours truly. You can check my progress; to motivate myself a bit I’ll be putting my vital statistics on future missives.
 

Third, I want to do more research. I did a master’s level research degree and my dissertation was on the psychosocial development of gay and bisexual men. Not a prize winning effort by any means but one thing it did open my eyes to was the relative lack of research into LGBT issues. I mean, there is no consistent academic definition of homosexuality, which means the research that has been done is not easily comparable. Plus there is a huge focus on younger gay people and, inevitably, sex. There are a lot of questions out there; and since the answers relate to me (and I’m my favourite subject) answering at least one of them is something I’m keen to do.
 

Last, and most importantly it’s about being better. Being introverted I notice that the first thing to get dropped when things get stressful or busy are people. I really want to make sure I put in the effort to be a good husband, a good friend, a good colleague. I want to be able to look back on 2014 and be sure I was there for people. Still, being better also means doing the things that make me feel I’m doing the things I need to do to feel I’m being a better person – a promise to myself that whatever the context or area of my life I’m putting in the effort. I’ve never really felt inspired to do the best I can and this year I’m determined not to let anything get in my way.
Happy New Year!

Sunday 8 December 2013

Don't Ever Wipe Tears without Gloves

Today I watched "Don't Ever Wipe Tears without Gloves". It's a Swedish drama set amongst the gay community in the early 1980s, and HIV/AIDS figures heavily in the story.

The protagonist is Rasmus, and we see him in 'flash forward' dying in 1989. Clearly he will become a victim of this disease, but for now he's 19, moving to Stockholm and determined to explore his identity. I had mixed feelings about watching it because , like Rasmus, I couldn't come out until I had left home and moved to London. Watching his first brave/terrified steps into picking up men had a touch of nostalgia for me (you know where to go and what you want, but you can't describe it or really understand the signs...)

The other main character is Benjamin. We saw him watching over Rasmus in 1989. He's a Jehovah's Witness and also gay. The first time we see him in 1983 he's going door to door doing ‘preaching duty’. This leads him to meet someone confronts Benjamin about his homosexuality and Benjamin is visibly shocked. He becomes withdrawn and distant, in contrast to Rasmus who is out on the town all the time (and it's implied that's when he became infected). However, with Benjamin it's different. Because, as the narrator put it, he 'barely dared to exist' Benjamin went cottaging and cruising, but never explored the gay scene. He wants to, certainly, but it's not clear he ever hooked up with anyone at all.  

One interesting element is the relationship both guys have with their parents. Both sets feel there's something wrong - Benjamin's are clearly proud of their son but worry he's so withdrawn while Rasmus's are in some form of denial. Yet both, it seems, at some level know. Through flashbacks the sense of loneliness shrouding both boys as they grew up, marking increasing distance from family and school-friends is palpable.

Benjamin eventually starts to come to terms with his homosexuality – distraught because he only "wants to love someone who will love him back" and being religious he believes that is now not an option for him (the thorn in his flesh, the challenge for him to overcome). However, by recognising what he is he at least opens up possibilities and quite soon he meets Rasmus, at a party run by that very man he met while on ‘preaching duty’.
 


It's about this time that HIV/AIDS is first brought openly into the story, using media reports and television discussions. The reactions of the two men's families to the news of the disease is interesting. Rasmus's parents ignore it; while Benjamin's are both sympathetic to the victims whilst considering it God's punishment and perhaps the start of the 'end of days'.

Yet, that's not what the story's about. Not quite yet. These two young men bond straight away. Perhaps even love at first sight. Still, that first meeting is full of men with a cough, with a cold, a sore on their mouth... and there's a flash forward to the doctor advising Benjamin it is time to call Rasmus's parents. You know what’s coming.

The episode ends with Rasmus and Benjamin in 1983, walking down a Stockholm road. "Do you know where you are going?" asks Benjamin. "Not really" is the reply, with a laugh. "Do you want to go there together?"… It's both a touching start to something wonderful but tragic harbinger for them both.

I see so much of my own experience in these two young men. The sense of isolation and distance from those around you when you know you're, somehow, different. By starting to come to terms with it, you become simultaneously eager to explore and discover who you are, and convinced because of it you can't have what others have - love, happiness... so you make do with fun, casual relationships and living in the day. Then you meet someone.

It's very nice to be in a world, or a part of it, where things are a bit easier than they were back then. It turns out you don't have to be afraid of who you are, or feel different. And you can have what everyone else has. It's still risky, and hard work. But it's worth it. If you take care.

The acute epidemic underpinning this show was too long ago to have affected me directly but we know and understand HIV is still with us. 100,000 in the UK have the disease. If the general population were infected at the same rate as gay men it would be 3 million. Although there is medicine, there is unlikely to be any cure soon. So let me add my own voice to the many others out there. Use a condom, get tested and if you are HIV positive: be healthy and of course comply with your meds. Enough preaching - there are some useful links in the sidebar if you want to know more

Saturday 7 December 2013

One

Hello there gentle reader.

My name is Mike. I like to style myself 'A Cheerful Fairy' and this is my blog.

I suppose, first things first, I should tell you a little about myself. I mean, I'm not so special: the laws of physics apply to me much as anything else. But this is my blog, dumps from my brain. So...

Well, truth be told I was a  little unsure about how to get started on here. What would that first, all important, post be about? Well, let me make it about my Saturday night.

I'm at home. Home is a nice, new, apartment in South East London - Woolwich. Poor and imperfectly formed, we can afford to live here because it's a well kept secret. A nice community though. We tend to rub along well enough, bar the odd riot. And we have the biggest Tesco in Europe you know!

I'm in front of the tele', lap top on top of my lap, half-watching a zombie film (Remains). I adore a good zombie apocalypse and this one is worth noting because one of the survivors is gay, like me.

The only company I've got is Gypsy Moth, our goldfish. We also have a number of minnows in the tank with her, but she's a big girl and cheerfully bullies to death any other of her own kind we've tried to keep with her. My husband is convinced she is an evil genius. All I know is she's indestructible and I can't resist her begging for food.

Husband is out at his second job/first love which is managing concerts at a venue in central London. He's a classically trained musician, but his day job is working for a children's charity. Yes, heart of gold, that one! He'll be home in a couple of hours and we can chillax a little before bed time.

Sitting with me is my comfort and shield in this big bad world of ours - a glass of dry white wine. A reward after a long day's work. Weekends aren't really time off for those who work in the NHS. I'm not a clinician - I'm one of your faceless bureaucrat types - but I have a great job working in governance for a Clinical Commissioning Group and it's a privilege to help get the organisation off the ground.

Why A Cheerful Fairy? I believe it is hugely important to see the best in people, things and situations. Every problem presents opportunities. Every argument gives us the chance to see things from another's point of view. I'm not looking at the world through rose tinted glasses of course. For example, I like people. I like people in the sense of "We The People". I like the people I interact with personally on a day to day basis. I could cheerfully have everyone I share my commuter train with thrown into a wheat-thresher.

So that's a start of things.

Likes: zombies, sci-fi, white wine, reading, politics, walking, husband. Dislikes: westerns, poor customer service, etc.